You don’t have to be Irish to enjoy a green beer on St. Patrick’s Day. When March 17 comes around, we all put on the green and celebrate. Nothing encapsulates the holiday’s joyful atmosphere like laughing out loud with Irish puns. We’ve compiled a list of the best Irish puns for you to share with your friends and family.
Funny Irish Puns
We guarantee you’ll smile at these supreme Irish puns themed for St. Paddy’s Day. There are also family-friendly Irish puns, so you can write them on cards for your children or add them to any St. Patrick’s Day with our Irish Puns list.
- Where does every Irish joke begin?
By glancing behind your back
- What did the inebriated Irishman in New York write home to his wife?
You were beer, Irish!
- Why should you not iron a four-leaf clover?
You don’t want to take any chances.
- What do you call a forgery of an Irish stone?
It’s a shamrock.
- Have you heard the one about the Irishman who drank 100 liters of stout in 30 minutes?
It’s a Guinness World Record attempt.
- How do the Irish know when it’s summer?
The rain warms up.
- What is the distinction between an Irish wedding and a funeral in Ireland?
There’s always one less drunk at a funeral.
- Why can’t you get a loan from a leprechaun?
They’re always a touch undersized.
- What do you call an Irishman with boils?
- Did you know Ireland is Europe’s fastest-growing country?
Its inhabitants are always Dublin.
- What is the proper name for a large Irish spider?
Paddy has long legs.
- Why do Irish people fight amongst themselves?
They are unable to identify any other good opponents.
- What’s Irish and never sleeps?
- “Your glass is empty; may I get you another one?” remarked the bartender to Paddy.
“Why would I need two empty glasses?” Paddy answered.
- How can you tell whether an Irishman is having fun?
He’s making Dublin laugh.
- What do you call an Irishman who is attempting to break up a fight?
- Have you heard of the immigrant Irish potato?
He was transformed into a French fry.
- Knock on wood!
Is anyone there?
Ireland! Who is Ireland?
Ireland, I’ll lend you money if you pledge to repay me.
- On St. Patrick’s Day, what do ghosts drink?
- Why don’t the leprechauns flee?
They prefer to jig to jog.
- Why are the Irish so concerned about climate change?
They are really interested in green living.
- What does it signify to discover a horseshoe in Ireland?
Some poor horse is walking about barefoot.
- Anton’s wife was preparing to give birth to their first child at the Rotunda Hospital. The nurse inquired, ‘How dilated is she, sir?’ when they came.
‘Delighted?’ said Anton. She’s overjoyed!’
- The Irish method…
Don’t go on about yourself while you’re here. We’ll do it when you go.
- “Is that the Bally Cashel Echo?” Mick wonders.
“How much would an ad in your paper cost?”
“Five pounds each inch,” a lady says. “Why? What exactly are you selling?”
“A ten-foot ladder,” Mick muttered as he slammed the phone down.
- There are only three types of males that do not comprehend women…
Young males, old men, and men in their forties.
- What is the distinction between God and Bono?
God doesn’t go around Dublin pretending to be Bono.
- As a prank, the Irish handed the bagpipes to the Scots…
But the Scots haven’t caught on yet.
- A tearful cry After church, Ms. Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady.
- “So, what’s bugging you?” he asks.
“Oh, Father, I have horrible news,” she responds. “My spouse died last night.”
“Oh, Mary, that’s dreadful,” the priest adds. “Had he any last requests?”
“Indeed, father,” she said. “Please, Mary, put down that awful pistol,” he begged.
- A police officer stops an Irish priest traveling down a remote road. He smells alcohol on the priest’s breath right away and discovers an empty wine bottle in the vehicle.
- “Have you been drinking?” he asks.
“It’s only water,” the priest adds.
“Then why do I smell wine?” says the officer.
The priest examines the bottle and remarks: “Oh my God! He’s done it once more!”
- “I have bad news, and even worse news, John,” Dr. O’Mahoney informs his patient.
- “Oh dear,” John says. “What’s the bad news?” the patient inquires.
“You only have 24 hours to live,” the doctor responds.
- “That’s dreadful,” the patient says. “How can the news be any worse?”
“I’ve been trying to call you since yesterday,” Dr. O’Mahoney responds.
- An Irishman is having difficulty finding a parking spot.
“Lord,” he begged. “This is unbearable to me. If you make room for me, I vow I’ll give up the Guinness and attend mass every Sunday.”
- The clouds break as the light pours down on an empty parking place. “Never mind, I found one!” replies the Irishman without hesitation.
- Billy approaches Paddy in Dublin and inquires about the shortest route to Cork.
“Are you walking or driving?” asks Paddy.
“In the car,” Billy responds.
“Well, that’s the shortest method,” Paddy adds.
- When Seamus opens the newspaper, he finds his own obituary.
- In a panic, he calls a buddy and inquires: “Have you seen the newspaper? They claim I died!”
The companion responds, saying: “Yes, I noticed it! So, from whence are you calling?”
- Are people envious of Irish people?
They are, indeed, green with envy.
- Pat and Murphy, two Irishmen, noticed a sign that said “Tree fellers” sought. ‘If only Seamus had been with us, we’d have gotten that job,’ Murphy remarked to Pat.
- ‘I’m the unluckiest person on the planet,’ grumbled Betty McGrath.
- ‘I purchased a non-stick pan and am unable to remove the label.
- “Paddy, why is it that anytime I ask an Irishman a question, he responds with another question?” an American lawyer inquired.
“Who told you that?” Paddy inquired.
- Murphy was informed by Paddy that his wife was driving him to drink.
Murphy regards him as extremely fortunate. His wife forces him to stroll.
- Why can’t you get a loan from a leprechaun?
Because they’re usually a tad short.
- Do you speak French, Seamus?
Yes, if it’s said in Irish.
To help you prepare for the day’s fun festivities, we’ve compiled a list of humorous Irish puns that will make everyone who sees your Instagram and Facebook photos say, “Irish, I would have thought of that caption!” From shamrock puns to drinking puns and everything in between, we’ve got all of your Irish puns covered.
- What evidence do we have that Christ was Irish?
Because he was 33 and still lived at home, he believed his mother was a virgin and that he was God’s son.
- What do you call an Irishman who knows how to keep his wife under control?
A Suspect in a Murder.
- “Every Irishman goes out on St. Patrick’s Day to locate another Irishman to make a speech to.”
- “If you’re fortunate enough to be Irish, you’re fortunate enough!”
- “May the splinters never point in the wrong way as you slide down the banister of life.”
- “Your glass is empty; desire another one?” asks the bartender to Paddy.
Paddy, perplexed, replies, “Why would I need two empty glasses?”
- Paddy asked the Doc today, “Do you cure alcoholics?”
“Of course, we do,” the doctor said, and Paddy replied, “fine, get your coat on. I’m skint greatest Irish joke one-liners.”
- “May you always have a clean shirt, a clear conscience, and enough money to purchase a pint!”
- “There are only two kinds of people: Irish and those who want to be Irish.”
- Who captures the leprechauns? Cops from the underworld!
- What is little, fortunate, and green all over? A recycling leprechaun.
- Why did St. Patrick expel snakes from Ireland? He couldn’t afford a plane ticket.
- Why should a four-leaf clover never be ironed? You don’t want to take any chances!
- How can you tell whether a shamrock is envious? It’ll turn green with envy.
- What are the greatest St. Patrick’s Day shoes to wear? Leper-converse.
- Why should you never give leprechaun money? They are continuously falling short.
- Why did the leprechaun dart over the red light? To go closer to the pot of gold!
- On St. Patrick’s Day, what does a leprechaun have for breakfast? Green eggs and ham, anyone?
- How does a leprechaun exercise? By trying his luck!
- Why are leprechauns so talented in the garden? They have green fingers!
- What is the distinction between knowledge and luck? One is astute. Clover is the other.
- When does an Irish potato cease to be Irish? When it comes to French fries!
- When is a leprechaun likely to cross the road? When the sky is green
- What do you call someone who robs you on Saint Patrick’s Day? A leprechaun con!
- On St. Patrick’s Day, Jameson? It’s worth a try.
- How did the leprechaun come out on top? He took a detour.
- A leprechaun who collects old cans, newspapers, and plastic bottles are referred to as what? A mini cyclist.
- Are leprechauns’ excellent secretaries? Yes, they are excellent at shorthand!
- What types of spells do Irish magicians conjure? Charms of good fortune
- How can you tell whether an Irishman is having a good time? He’s arrived in Dublin!
- What did one phantom leprechaun say to the other? To you, the top of the moaning!
- What is the significance of wearing shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day? Because genuine rocks are too hefty to transport.
- On St. Patrick’s Day, what music should you listen to? Shameless rock & roll.
- On St. Patrick’s Day, what do you label a wonderful photo? Pitcher-perfect.
- Why do frogs celebrate St. Patrick’s Day? Everyone is dressed in green!
- Why are the Irish worried about global warming? They are interested in green living.
- What is the term for a terrible Irish dance? A jig errors
- Why are leprechauns so afraid of running? They prefer to jig to jog.
- An Irish priest is heading to New York when he is pulled up for speeding in Connecticut.
- What happens when you combine Christmas with St. Patrick’s Day? Saint Clause!
- What’s Irish and spends the entire day outside? Patrick Furniture!
- On St. Patrick’s Day, why couldn’t the leprechaun pay his bar tab? He was rather short!
- May you perish in your bed at the age of 95, shot by a jealous spouse or wife.
- What did Saint Patrick have to say to the snakes? He yelled at them to hiss!
- What is the distinction between an Irish wedding and a funeral in Ireland? There is one less drunk at a funeral.
- Why do you Irish usually respond to a question with another question?’ President Franklin D. Roosevelt inquired.
‘Do we now?’ said New York, Mayor Al Smith.
- May you spend a half-hour in paradise before the devil realizes you’re gone.
- How can you determine whether an American moon is about to go bankrupt? The moon is in its last quarter, as you can see.
- May you live a hundred years and have one additional year to repent.
- ‘Ah, it was a gorgeous dress, and it would have fit me if I could have gotten into it; surely it would,’ Colleen said.
- The Irish attempt to scale Mount Everest was heroic, but it failed because they ran out of scaffolding.
- What made God create whiskey? As a result, the Irish would never conquer the globe.
- ‘The kid is just like his father,’ Pauline McDonald added, ‘but at least he has his health.’
- ‘How far is the next village?’ said the American visitor. ‘It’s around seven miles,’ the farmer said. ‘But if you sprint, it’s just five!’
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