60+ Funny Retirement Puns and Jokes

Retirement is the time when people would love to relax, take a break from their work and spend more lovely time with their family. It is also the when you’d love to listen to some jokes and keep your heart healthy by laughing hard. So, here they are, retire puns just for you!

Retirement Puns

  • Too many old, retired people are present in the church cramming during their final days.
  • What bothers me is not the age when I am going to retire. But it is actually the income that matters.
  • Always remember that you should be really nice to your kids because they are the ones who gets to choose your nursing home!
  • Yesterday the elderly woman was reading a book that taught using the internet. While the little boy was searching on the internet on how read books.
  • The enemy of the grand parents and the grand children is common and that is why both of them gets along with each other really well.
  • Before your retirement you need to start thinking before your boss.
  • Retirement is a great thing. It is because you do not have to worry about doing nothing and that too, without getting caught.
  • Why do you think people smile most of the time after their retirement? It is because they are unable to hear most of the things that you are saying.
  • As you grow older, you might want to keep an extinguisher closer to your birthday cake.
  • Retirement is something that is known to kill more people who were not killed by hard work.
  • What you need to know is that it is always better to pay the full price for anything instead of letting people tag you as a senior citizen.
  • How many retired men would you need to change the tube light? It is simple you would need only one but the problem is it might take the whole day.
  • You know that you are becoming old once your chiropractor starts sending you birthday cards.
  • At what time does a retired man goes to sleep? Two or three hours after he falls asleep on the bed.
  • Age is just an issue that works between your mind and the matter. If you do not mind, then it would not even matter to you.
  • You will come to know that you are retired and getting old when you see that the candles on your birthday cake is even more than the number of people present there.
  • When the retired men were young all they would do is compare women and liquor. But now after their retirement all they do is compare their sugar levels.
  • The older one gets, more he starts reading the Bible. I wondered why and then I realized that they were preparing for their finals.

Retirement Jokes

  • My grandmother would say that the way to a man’s heart goes through the stomach. This is the reason she lost her job of a cardiac surgeon.
  • The soldier survived a pepper spray and mustard gas attach. Now that he is retired, people call him the seasoned veteran.
  • What is the difference between retired men and tin foil? People after retirement starts to get more wrinkles but a tin foil doesn’t even if it gets old.
  • After your retirement when you walk into an auction store, people will start bidding on you and that way you will know that are becoming old.
  • Taking small naps on a regular basis will  prevent you from getting old. Especially when you take a nap while you are driving.
  • Retirement is that period of your life when you do not really know what to do but you have plenty of time and before you retired you didn’t have to do anything.
  • The worst part of retirement is that you will not get a day off.
Retirement Puns

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