59+ Funny And Witty One Liners To Tell Friends

There is something about comedy that always gets to us. We love funny one liner jokes. It’s always amazing to us how so much wit and double meaning can be encapsulated in such short jokes. That though is the beauty of good one-liners.

Many comedians use funny one-liners as a part of their act, and believe it or not it’s not that easy to master. So if you’re ready for a good laugh and if you’re looking for a few jokes to use at a family get-together that won’t offend any sensitive relatives, here are few examples of some funny one-liners for you to have a chuckle.

Here are Funny and Witty Oneliners

Ain’t it funny how the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind your car.

I’ll change my Facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and I press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this.

You haven’t experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn’t ticklish.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I’ve spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer, but no-one will do it.

As I watched the dog chasing his tail I thought “Dogs are easily amused”, then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail.

My friend keeps trying to convince me that he’s a compulsive liar but I don’t believe him.

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive… It’s a good thing my older brother told me about it.

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he’s still making fun of me.

Smoking will kill you… Bacon will kill you… But, smoking bacon will cure it.

I like older men because they’ve gotten used to life’s disappointments. Which means they’re ready for me.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, its research.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.

The dogs bark but the caravan moves on.

My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Oh come on! You are not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.

Writing a horror screenplay. It starts off with a ringing phone. The person answers, and it’s their mum saying “I have a computer question.”

Which animal jumps higher than a house? Any animal… house can’t jump!

One apple a day keeps the doctors away… but an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.

When I found out that my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.

Here are Funny and Witty Oneliners

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